홀아비
희선이 세상을 떠난 후 몇개월 지나고 나서 X는 내게 말했다. "야. 나도 친구 중에 홀아비 있어. 나도 어떤 건지 알아."
원래 뭐든지 아는 척하는 인간이지만 과부도, 홀아비도 아닌 주제에 홀아비의 심정을 다 아는 척 하는 그 잘난 척에 나는 기가 막혔다.
Iris Murdoch - “Bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the imagination of the unbereaved.”
God, are you there?
Wife was hospitalized again for a pulmonary disease that doctors here cannot identify in spite of several tests. She will go through tissue test tomorrow evening. Ironically, she is getting worse than before coming to the hospital due to unsucessful tests. Not knowing how long she has to live as MRI is on September 11, I really want to avoid tests for her. But doctors fail to make life easier for me and my wife. Staying in the hospital from this Tuesday, I read Dawkin's God Delusion. The message of the book is gloomy but truthful. There is no God in the heaven that will hear a prayer made by one person in this planet among the vast universe. I only believe in chance. Prayers, tears, crying out loud to the sky will not save my wife. Only probability, chance, and factors beyond my understanding will make a miracle. In a word, a great lottery of life will save her. I pray to the God of chance.
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