목요일 오후

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Fuck Christmas

What is so special about one festive day that distinguishes it from other mundane days? Nothing. They are just human inventions. In the vast universe, there is no Sunday and no Christmas day. They are just silly convention made up by inhabitants of this tiny mole hill called the earth.  But such so-called special days make me feel more depressed and lost and lonelier than other days. That is just the way it goes for me.  That is why I resumed smoking after staying away from cigarettes for three days and why I am going to a karaoke to appease my emptiness. 
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Can't do anything

Speech problem of my wife is not getting any better. Everyday she fails to say exact words to describe a thing or a situation. No sign of physical difficulties as yet. But her mind seems to be not clear. I read some bad descriptions about language problems of brain cancer patients. For example, cases where the patient finally gets to the point that she/he cannot understand what is being said by other people let alone inability to express their thoughts. It just makes me shiver to imagine such situation. I cannot get myself to work. I cannot write anything. I cannot think about the better future. I cannot make my mind calm. I cannot do anything.
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Life goes on and I am here.

Things changed and happened to me for the last two months. But I am still here caught in this planet of crazy monkeys. Why am I still here when my wife died seven years ago and I am always feeling that I am in the wrong place and time? Because I have no direction in my life. Because I have no mission to accomplish in this life. Whatever I do, I do it because of the law of inertia. I keep doing stupid and meaningless things in my life. I thought if I cut myself off from the outside world, I could find a meaning or a purpose in my life. I was wrong. As long as there is me, this thinking brain, in this world, the world will not be a different place. Unless I kill myself as an animal, a sick animal always thinking of, seeking a way out from this world, the world will be always the same. Maybe, the world has no problem. Just like nature has no problem. Animals and plants are out there enjoying their existence, just accepting what the world is. They make no plans. They don't worry abo...
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