Life goes on

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Life goes on and I am here.

Things changed and happened to me for the last two months. But I am still here caught in this planet of crazy monkeys. Why am I still here when my wife died seven years ago and I am always feeling that I am in the wrong place and time? Because I have no direction in my life. Because I have no mission to accomplish in this life. Whatever I do, I do it because of the law of inertia. I keep doing stupid and meaningless things in my life. I thought if I cut myself off from the outside world, I could find a meaning or a purpose in my life. I was wrong. As long as there is me, this thinking brain, in this world, the world will not be a different place. Unless I kill myself as an animal, a sick animal always thinking of, seeking a way out from this world, the world will be always the same. Maybe, the world has no problem. Just like nature has no problem. Animals and plants are out there enjoying their existence, just accepting what the world is. They make no plans. They don't worry abo...
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It's still cold.

I tried to meet women because I missed intimacy, both physical and emotional. And I failed. Miserably.  I am messing up my life physically, mentally and financially. I am not self-sufficient as much as I thought about myself in the past.  I lost the sense of direction in my life. Where am I going with this disoriented life style? What is waiting for me ahead in the future? What kind of person will I change into? What kind of old man will I become? Will I even survive until I turn 60s or 70s? Do I even want to live that long as a loner? What is this world around me? Why did my life change into this barren desert?  What is the meaning of living like this? Can I just die and forget about everything? But even if I die, I won't feel better if I still remember everything. 
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2014.4.13

일요일. 잠깐 차에 물건을 갖다 놓으러 나간 것 외에는 집에서 나가지 않았다. 하루가 시작되더니 금방 저녁이 된다. 애들은 방에 틀어박혀서 하루 종일 컴퓨터 게임만 한다. 남자 셋이 있는 집안은 그저 PC방 같다. 시간이 흘러서 애들이 여자를 만나 가정을 꾸리기를 바란다. 아내와 함께 아기자기한 시간을 보내기를 바란다. 웃음소리가 나는 집에서 살기를 바란다. 그렇게 되면 나는 여행을 떠날 것이다. 멀리.
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