일요일 아침

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Life goes on and I am here.

Things changed and happened to me for the last two months. But I am still here caught in this planet of crazy monkeys. Why am I still here when my wife died seven years ago and I am always feeling that I am in the wrong place and time? Because I have no direction in my life. Because I have no mission to accomplish in this life. Whatever I do, I do it because of the law of inertia. I keep doing stupid and meaningless things in my life. I thought if I cut myself off from the outside world, I could find a meaning or a purpose in my life. I was wrong. As long as there is me, this thinking brain, in this world, the world will not be a different place. Unless I kill myself as an animal, a sick animal always thinking of, seeking a way out from this world, the world will be always the same. Maybe, the world has no problem. Just like nature has no problem. Animals and plants are out there enjoying their existence, just accepting what the world is. They make no plans. They don't worry abo...
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Wife's last message

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Cognitive abilities of Heesun got worse and worse as the tumor invaded the brain stem. The first sign was when she put supplements that were kept outside the refrigerator into the fridge on September 26th, 2010. She forgot words and her language abilities began to slowly collapse. Eventually, it became impossible to have a normal conversation with her in October 2010. Since then, I communicated with her through fragmentary phrases until June 2011. Since August 2011, even that became impossible. What tormented me for the last 20 months was lack of improvement in Heesun’s condition in spite of repeated attempts with new supplements. But what made my heart sink even more was that I could not have meaningful conversations with my wife who is getting far away from this world. In my fight against the disease, she was beside me physically, but she was not able to be there for me mentally. Even on her deathbed, I did not hear a single word from her mouth. I was so occupied with the fight tha...
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Fuck Christmas

What is so special about one festive day that distinguishes it from other mundane days? Nothing. They are just human inventions. In the vast universe, there is no Sunday and no Christmas day. They are just silly convention made up by inhabitants of this tiny mole hill called the earth.  But such so-called special days make me feel more depressed and lost and lonelier than other days. That is just the way it goes for me.  That is why I resumed smoking after staying away from cigarettes for three days and why I am going to a karaoke to appease my emptiness. 
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