A widower groping his way

I am still alive. I am still lost but I don’t feel as wretched as before. Eight years have passed since my wife died. I am still alone. I still think of her almost every day. My only consolation about this disoriented life is that I will eventually see her when I leave this crazy planet.

Home alone. The world outside does not exist for me. It feels like that. I am the only person in the world. In this world of mine. In my room. Memories of my wife give me pain. It is me alone in this world. Alone in my room. It is a Sunday night.

Things changed and happened to me for the last two months. But I am still here caught in this planet of crazy monkeys. Why am I still here when my wife died seven years ago and I am always feeling that I am in the wrong place and time? Because I have no direction in my life. Because I have no mission to accomplish in this life. Whatever I do, I do it because of the law of inertia. I keep doing stupid and meaningless things in my life. I thought if I cut myself off from the outside world, I could find a meaning or a purpose in my life. I was wrong. As long as there is me, this thinking brain, in this world, the world will not be a different place. Unless I kill myself as an animal, a sick animal always thinking of, seeking a way out from this world, the world will be always the same. Maybe, the world has no problem. Just like nature has no problem. Animals and plants are out there enjoying their existence, just accepting what the world is. They make no plans. They don't worry abo...

Heesun died on 2nd May of 2012. Now its more than 6 years ago. I am still caught in the memory of those dark days when she was on the verge of dying all the time and when I was crushed by the weight of her impending death. My life lost its normalcy then and it is still broken. I make no plan and even if I make one I smoke it away after three days. What kind of failure I have become. I curse the day that I was born. I hate myself for making a decision to come into this life. Letting go seems a solution but I can't stand such a life, either. What a horrible existence without hope and future.

a small change. like not touching and buying cigarettes at all. not entertaining gloomy thoughts in my head. not thinking and feeling sad memories of the past. thinking of happy and beautiful things. being kind and loving to myself for my failures. not being harsh to myself for my stupid mistakes. giving me lots of slacks for my stupidities. being kind to myself. 

almost the same as yesterday. been in the house all day long. Seungho played with his friends in his room. Jiho went out at 12 pm. played games. smoked cigarettes. ate meals. and now I am alone in the house again. (this break was for another smoking).  I can make a few changes for this year. I will stop smoking. More specifically, I will stop buying them.  I will stop trying to connect to people. I have done it for three years and it did not make me happy. I felt worse because the more I hang out with people, the more I realize what I lost. My wife. My past normal life.  What I miss cannot come back again. I want to be with my wife in bed. I want to touch her, embrace her, kiss her and make love to her. Not just any woman but only her.  It is just crazy that I was trying many ways, craiglist, tinder, okcupid, to find a woman that will fill the void left by my wife's death. They are not my wife. And I am not the same man who met my wife back in 1992, which ...

If I don't change it, I will do the same thing as I did yesterday. I will go out and smoke every hour when the air is so dirty. I will play PS4 game all day long. I will just live like a zombie today. Just like yesterday. I need to change things. This is no fun. This not helping me at all. This does not make me feel good.  What already happened has happened. My wife, Heesun, died. I am expecting to live as a widower until the end of my life here in this dirty country. Nothing can change the past.  I can feel better if I accept everything as my only reality. There is no changing the fate. I should try to find small fun in this life with no way out. I should minimize every distraction in my life. I should speak less, do less, and live less. That will make this life endurable. I should go out less and stay home more. I should stay inside my room. That is the way I will live the new year. 

Christmas. New Year. Lovers get together and have a good time. They walk in the snow covered street. Not for me.  I always hated December since my wife died and this year is not an exception. I got weaker, sicker and gloomy more than any year before. I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas in the bed alone while kids were out to play or do the part-time job.  I was alone and it was a prelude of what to come after 10 years from now. I will be lying in the bed during holidays. No doubt. If I don't die until then, I will be in my bed as if I am already dead. Who cares? I don't care. This was how my life was meant to be. My final destination. My wife, Heesun, was just a detour. She stopped for a while my life not to be like this but it was too difficult a task for her. So she died with cancer. And I am back to square one. My real life. A life lived alone in the bed. 

The time is 9:24 pm. I am listening to music on youtube. I found this trick last night. You search "music for wine" on youtube and there are lots of music that you could hear as if you are drinking in a decent bar.  I am listening to this very music while drinking wine. I was thinking of writing a post on other blogs. A post about books and music I loved. But somehow I just ended up on this blog. This blog is a sort of my public diary. It is online but virtually nobody visits here. So, I can write my monologue here without worrying much about who will read what I write.  I have been drinking outside with people for the last few years mostly because I was lonely. It did not end well. I spent too much money and lost my health. And it did not save me from the loneliness. No matter how long I stayed with others, I should come back to this room where I sit and sleep alone. It is no use trying to deceive myself that I can run away from loneliness. At the end of the day, ...

Long holidays. And it still did not end. I still have four days ahead before the end of the holidays. I do not know what I should or would do. ... And now I am on the 17th days of October. It seems to my gloomy existence will not let up any day sooner. Five years passed and I am still lost in my life. My wife died and I am lost. Things do not get better. I have no idea where I am going to. I am tired of living. I want to stop everything including living day by day.

I kissed her for the first time on September 2013 at night. It was 24 years ago. Every year, September makes me feel sad because I remember the good time I had with her when we were a young couple meeting each other every night. 24 years from the kiss. 5 years from my wife's death. Now I am here alone. Smoking cigarettes and drinking my life away. Crumbling to the ground everyday little by little. I failed to save my wife from the monstrous cancer. I lost her. Now I am sick both in body and heart. Will I be able to save myself?

I install okcupid and delete them over and over again. I see some kind-looking face and think of sending a message but give up soon enough. Five years of living as a loner have changed me. I realize that. I am hesitant about starting or even trying a new relationship. I just find myself not wanting to go into another woman's life. I almost always feel lonely but when a time comes to decide if I want to connect to a woman, I step back. I worry if starting something new will bring me more problems than soothing my soul. Regardless of whether I admit it or not, I am used to living alone. I still hate it. But I really got used to it. No wonder things have become like that, because I am talking about five years of staying alone still missing my wife. Somehow, I think living this lonely life might be better than meeting someone new. After all, I don't know what kind of headaches and problems might arise if I meet someone who is not as understanding as my dead wife. She really...

Weather is nice in June. The weather does not care how I feel. I remember old days when she was with me. Those days do not come back. I am alone. I am lost. I have been lost since many years ago. I do not know where I am going in time and space. I am just waiting for the end. The end of everything in time and space. I don't know just what I am waiting for. The reality is a bad joke for me. I just sit here and type words and the world does not care. I do not understand why I am here and what I am doing. I don't know what I am supposed to do for the rest of my life. I just do not know. I sold myself short to blind desire and impulse. I drift away in this world like a boat without a rudder. I do not know. I know nothing.

Yes. That is the most important question because it is very likely that I will stay alone till I die. I find it highly unlikely that I will find a woman that I can love the way I loved my dead wife. It was such a rare case that I found a woman like her.  I grow old everyday and I give up more and more everyday the chance of meeting the right woman for me.  So, the question is this. Can I become a self-sufficient man who can enjoy himself without a woman? If I can make myself that kind of widower, I will be OK. If not, my life will not improve and I will not feel better.  How the hell you make friends with yourself by the way? 

five years ago, this day was one day before my wife died. I was at the lowest and the most miserable point of my life. things have changed. my sons were little kids then, now they are 19 and 17 years old. I am now 51 years old.  I hate spring. I hate May and June. I hate this time of the year. families are going out to enjoy their life. I am in my house remembering what my life was like before the shit storm struck my family.  I spend money on useless stuffs and drinking. It does not make me feel better at all.  no matter what I do, I can't get my life back. I can't get my wife back. life outside my life goes on as if nothing happened, as if my wife did not die. as if i did not become a widower.  there is nothing i can do to change my life into what it was before all of the things happened. that is what i have to accept.. the irreversible nature of time.  all the shitty arguments about the value of solitude are just that.. shitty.  I do not...

In two weeks, the 2nd of May will come. It is the very day on which my wife died after suffering pain and misery for three years because of the horrible brain cancer. I felt like dying all the time after my wife died and did not know how I would go through all the years in front of me as a widower with two sons. Now my two boys have grown up so much. My first boy is in his early twenties and second boy is in his late year of high schoool. They were just little kids when my wife got the cancer. Time is amazing thing. It blunts edges of the most acute pain and misery. Life just goes on no matter how wretched and lonely I feel when I am alone.  Another five years will pass and then I will become 56 years old man. After several rounds of the five-year period, I will be really old man and eventually die. There is nothing more certain than this inevitable passage of time and eventual end of my life. I will forget about all the follies and absurdity of this life and move on to the ...

It was while we were going out together steadily every week. She and me. Our typical routine was to meet on Saturday afternoon, have dinner, watch movie and go to a hotel. I don't remember the date but it must have been about a year since we had started to date. The movie was "wolf" where Jack Nicholson starred. In the middle of the movie, she asked me to get a coke and I said no. She did everything for me but I was simply lazy. She felt bad and we had a little fight. She suddenly left the movie and I did the same. We made up eventually on the same night but somehow I can't forget what an asshole I was then. It is one of the things that come to my mind and makes me regret. I will always regret what I did that night. I wish I could go back to the time and place and go right out of the seat and come back with a coke for her. If only I could go back in time..

How can one forget about miseries of life? Only by having too many urgent stuffs to do, no matter how little or insignificant they may be. It can be buying something or defrosting frozen water pipes. As long as I am occupied with those little stuffs, I can forget about my lonely life and my dead wife. Maybe that is the secret of endurable life of a widower. Make a long list of things to do and whenever I feel shittly, I take the list out and work on it.

First thing, first. Please stop smoking. Quit it. This unhealthy habit is physically and mentally destroying you. It is like trying to run with heave bags of sand tied to each of your legs. So counterproductive. So stupid. Accept the reality that you will stay a lone widower long time, very likely until you die. So, the point is not whether you can find someone who will make your life less miserable. It is whether you can make your life bearable by making your body and mind healthier and resistant to gloomy thoughts and feelings. If you think about it, it is so simple and also stupid. You are already always tired and find no joy in your life. Smoking just makes things worse. But you still do that. It is not even like that you can smoke yourself to death. It surprises you that you have been doing this stupid shit for so long. First things, first. I should quit smoking before I even try any other things to feel better. As long as I do not break free from this vicious cycle of smokin...

I am listening to Frank Sinatra's Christmas carol. It is an afternoon of one day in December. I am still alive. It is more than 4 years now since my wife died. I still come to work everyday. My life is on a standstill. It does not get better, nor getting worse. Or maybe it is getting worse because I am getting older and weaker every single day. Or it is getting better because the day I will meet my wife again is getting closer. I rarely meet people. I still long for a touch of a woman. A woman who loves me and whom I love. A woman I can touch. My typical life style tells me that a chance to meet a woman like that is zero. Or what I have is just skin hunger. Anyway, I am easily tired and lose the will to try something different. I stay more and more time alone at home. Compared to a couple of years ago, I got better at living alone. But this chornically drepressed feelings do not go away. There is still a flickering desire for having a normal life in which I can come home after a ...